How my 15 minute workout took an hour

It’s so pretty while it tries to kill you

Is it a thing now to have December resolutions? I’m coming off a year of laziness which hit it’s peak after suffering a foot injury earlier this fall, which led me to just eating carbs and wine and ice cream and resigning myself to a life of fattitude and buying larger pants. But! After my sports medicine doctor told me that I would not die anymore if I started working out (running even!?), I shook of the rust and decided that yes! I will reclaim my fitness! Right after tonight’s pizza dinner because let’s be real American Horror Story is on.

So! This morning I was totally going to go for a tiny run (I’m only allowed 10 minutes for now). It was sooooo cooooooold out. The idea of putting on my warm running clothes and getting them sweaty enough to wash but only having done 10 minutes of activity seems like so much of a waste!! So I finished the pot of coffee and sat on the couch wondering if Al Roker sometimes sneaks off to watch Good Morning America because he misses Matt Lauer and hates all the no-name kids he has to work with now…….. (seriously who are they??) But then I realized I couldn’t get out of working out (that side of my brain is getting ballsy lately- it also made me take out the garbage in a timely manner AND bring a stupid yet responsible/economical lunch to work today. WHAT IS HAPPENING) so I consulted my trusty phone to give me the answers.

Hold on, I always get tricked into opening the Facebook app first somehow?

Ok. Do you have the Nike Training Club app?? It’s kind of amazing, and it’s free (but only available on Apple platforms. Sorry Androids). There’s a ton of workouts, just waiting there, and you can pick your favorite version of death based on time or strength or cardio or whatever. You don’t need any equipment and it plays your own playlists over the top and it encourages you in a pleasant voice and there is basically no excuse NOT to do it except for “forgetting” about it in your “fitness” folder on your phone. So here we go! I’m totally working out!

  1. Decide on workout. No, too hard. No, too much ab work. No, too sporty. Cardio Killer? Ok. Let’s go. But I’m totally not going to do tuck jumps yet, do you hear me? I’m still healing. I will do…. jumping jacks I guess? Yeah.
  2. What am I wearing: pajamas. Fine fine. But I need to go upstairs and get a sports bra.
  3. Hello, kitten!! What are you doing? Do you want me to throw this toy? Huh?? Huhhh??
  4. Ok. Workout. Where are my shoes…
  5. Kitten!! Are you in a box?? Huh?? You so cray!!
  6. (in basement) seriously, when is the last time anyone vacuumed down here?!?
  7. *vacuums*
  8. I should probably have some water first
  9. OK!! TOTALLY WORKING OUT!!
  10. *text to MB* so… how do I get the basement speakers to hear my iPod again? *waits for response*
  11. Figure out playlist
  12. Start workout!! Hello, kitten!! What? You’re just going to stand on my hands while I do plank side hops? Um… ok…
  13. Kitten! I’m trying to do burpees!! Do not make me die!
  14. *dies*
  15. Lay on floor. Shoot sweat out of face.
  16. Post workout to facebook
  17. Feel victorious and like I’m totally going to do this EVERY DAY because it only took 15 minutes! (but really an hour)

so exhausted! But yay vacuumed floor!

Jesswould appreciate it if you didn’t point out that she’s wearing the same career pants every day to work because all the other ones are laughing at her.

 

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