Godzilla!! As Told By Monsters

(Spoilers ahead! Spoilers also if you live on planet Earth and have ever seen a Godzilla movie/army movie/summer blockbuster basically)

15 YEARS AGO

MUTO: What the…?! A whole bunch of miners just fell into my relatively shallow subterranean chamber of dormancy! Lady!! LADY!!! LAAAADDDYYYYYY WAKE UP!! Do you wanna kick it with me to Tokyo?

LADY MUTO: Uuuuuuuugh……….. I’m…. uummm… I need to wash my hair. I’ll meet you when we’re less, you know, pupal?

MUTO: Wurd. Imma go eat some radiation- laters!! *pchew!*

GODZILLA: (awakened, grumpy) YOU GUYS!! SHUT UP!!! SLEEPING ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN HERE!! (muttering to self) I’m not really clear on why I hate those guys so much but I really hate those guys!!!

PRESENT DAY

MUTO: *yaaawwwwwwn* OMG I can’t believe I slept for 15 years and meanwhile ate this whole nuclear power plant!! I better motor to find my lady.

Tries to leave, is trapped by steel cables

MUTO: What in the what is… aaahh!! Rude!!

Emits EMP blast, rendering humans useless

MUTO: LOL! Flies away

HUMANS: WTF WINGS?!!?!

HAWAII

MUTO: LADY!!! Laaaaaadddddyyyyyyy!!! Where you at? I totes stole a nuclear submarine!! Want half?

LADY MUTO: I’m in Nevada! OMG I ate a whole mountain of nuclear waste!!! Like literally. A MOUNTAIN.

MUTO: Well I was going to fly over to you but clearly you need to walk that shit off. Meet up in San Fran?

LADY MUTO: Sounds good!! I just have a few Cirque du Soleil shows to step on on my way!

GODZILLA: Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up!!! SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS. ARE. SO. ANNOYING!!! DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE OR I WILL TOTALLY ATOMIC BREATHE ON YOU BECAUSE I HATE YOU FOR…. REASONS!!

Starts swimming to Hawaii…. derp derp derp….

MUTO: Loo loo loo I’ll just put my submarine down in this jungle… hey! Jerk!! Stop shooting at me! That stings!

Emits EMP blast, planes fall from sky

MUTO: Can I even eat a plane? I don’t know how I’d digest it since I only eat radiation but ok *chomp chomp* LOL.

GODZILLA: *swims*

MUTO: Hey what’s going on at this luao? Can I hula with you?? Are you all having a nice vacation??

GODZILLA: *emerges from ocean* What did I say? WHAT. DID. I. SAY??

MUTO: Whatever atom-breath!! More like OUT OF BREATH, amirite?? Let’s brawl!!

GODZILLA: What?? No!! I just swam halfway across the damn Pacific ocean!! *PUNCH!*

MUTO: Ahhh! *WHACK!*

Fight ensues, humans are not pleased

MUTO: Hahahahaha you are too old and fat and I have wings. Laters!! *zing!*

GODZILLA: Balls!

Begrudgingly gets back in ocean
SAN FRANCISCO
HUMANS: Ok so all of these beasties eat radiation, right? So let’s lure them out into the ocean with this tasty super missile and then totally blow them up! Since they keep knocking out our power let’s just put this missile that will lure them once it’s in the ocean and obviously not before it gets to the ocean on this old timey steam train and wait patiently for it to arrive at the ocean.
LADY MUTO: Hey a delicious missile! *yoink!*
HUMANS: …….oh.
LADY MUTO: Oh snap! My belly is aglow with adorable tiny MUTO eggs! Do you want this missile, babies?? This yummy yummy missile?? Let’s build a nest in Chinatown and then I will buy you a mogwai.
MUTO: Lady!!! I am here in San Fransisco!
GODZILLA: Holy hell, that was a long swim. Lemme just grab on to this nice red bridge to help me get out of the water…
MUTO: Hey Oldzilla!! Need to take a nap?
GODZILLA: You are such a dick!
brawl ensues
LADY MUTO: Hey MUTO! I built a nest and need you to… OH HELL NO THIS GUY?!?
punch! smash! throw! punch!
LADY MUTO: (noticing tiny humans have blown up her nest) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
GODZILLA: Hey MUTO! *tail-slams MUTO dead into a skyscraper*
GODZILLA: That’s RIGHT. *chest thrust*
LADY MUTO: *blink blink!*
GODZILLA: I’m still unclear on my hate reasons so ATOMIC BREATH MURDER AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
LADY MUTO turns to stone and dies
GODZILLA: I need a nap now LIKE WHOA. *collapses in the middle of the city*
THE NEXT DAY
HUMANS: So…. is he a good monster…….? Also is he dead? How… do…. we… uuummm… that’s a big corpse….
GODZILLA: (wakes up, flips off humans) WHO’S FAT NOW, BITCHES!! *moonwalks into ocean, does dougie, swims away*

Why is the internet so hard?

(This is my life, except replace “Research Paper” with “Everyday, On the Job”)

I work online, remotely-based for a company in San Francisco.  Most days, this is awesome.  Working in my pajamas!  Dropping everything for a walk outside when the weather’s nice!  Scheduling doctor’s appointments without worrying if my 9-to-5 boss is going to catch me sneaking out early!

Really, it’s a great arrangement, and it’s one I’m fortunate to have – except for one teeny, tiny little issue…  The internet.

Internet, I dearly love you.  I make a living writing about you, and I’m fascinated by your inner workings.  But why – for the love of God, why – do you have so many fun time-wasters?  Or, perhaps more to the point, why don’t you have a good way to block these distractions when I really, really need to get things done?

I can’t tell you how many days I’ve logged on with the purest intentions of total productivity.  But then, one 5-minute break turns into an hour of “I should look up houses to buy!  Or how Catholic nuns live!  Or which cruise line has the best luxury suites!” – and before I know, my day is gone and with it, any chance of getting ahead on my serious backlog of work.

(No joke – I lost three hours on the Catholic nuns thing yesterday, and I’m still pissed about it.)

I’ve tried distraction-blocking plugins before, but I haven’t yet found one without easy workarounds.  So far I’ve tried:

  • StayFocusd – StayFocusd lets you set good sites and blocked sites, and then limits the amount of time you can spend on blocked sites in a day.  Which is great, until you realize that you can just open up another browser (hi, Firefox!) and keep wasting time…
  • RescueTime – RescueTime doesn’t block sites – it just tracks the amount of time you spend on productive sites versus time-wasters.  The thing is, though, that you have to actually care about tracking your results and improving them, which is really tough to do when you’d rather just BS around online without any accountability.
  • Productivity Owl – Productivity Owl gives you a set number of seconds on any page (I chose 60, but the default’s only 20) before it closes your browser tabs.  You can set sites to be white-listed, but starting from the premise that all sites are time-wasters means that the amount of configuration needed to make this work wasn’t worth it for me.  And holy frick does that owl get annoying while you’re in the process of setting up sites!

I used to use – and love LeechBlock – on Firefox, but since I’ve switched to Chrome, I haven’t found anything that quite compares.  I’m experimenting with Chrome Nanny right now, but it’s going to take time to capture the hundreds upon hundreds of pages I waste time on as blocked URLs within the program.

I’ll keep you posted on how this one works out for me, but if you have any other suggestions (particularly those that don’t require a ton of will-power), let me know!

Image: ronocdh