Godzilla!! As Told By Monsters

(Spoilers ahead! Spoilers also if you live on planet Earth and have ever seen a Godzilla movie/army movie/summer blockbuster basically)

15 YEARS AGO

MUTO: What the…?! A whole bunch of miners just fell into my relatively shallow subterranean chamber of dormancy! Lady!! LADY!!! LAAAADDDYYYYYY WAKE UP!! Do you wanna kick it with me to Tokyo?

LADY MUTO: Uuuuuuuugh……….. I’m…. uummm… I need to wash my hair. I’ll meet you when we’re less, you know, pupal?

MUTO: Wurd. Imma go eat some radiation- laters!! *pchew!*

GODZILLA: (awakened, grumpy) YOU GUYS!! SHUT UP!!! SLEEPING ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN HERE!! (muttering to self) I’m not really clear on why I hate those guys so much but I really hate those guys!!!

PRESENT DAY

MUTO: *yaaawwwwwwn* OMG I can’t believe I slept for 15 years and meanwhile ate this whole nuclear power plant!! I better motor to find my lady.

Tries to leave, is trapped by steel cables

MUTO: What in the what is… aaahh!! Rude!!

Emits EMP blast, rendering humans useless

MUTO: LOL! Flies away

HUMANS: WTF WINGS?!!?!

HAWAII

MUTO: LADY!!! Laaaaaadddddyyyyyyy!!! Where you at? I totes stole a nuclear submarine!! Want half?

LADY MUTO: I’m in Nevada! OMG I ate a whole mountain of nuclear waste!!! Like literally. A MOUNTAIN.

MUTO: Well I was going to fly over to you but clearly you need to walk that shit off. Meet up in San Fran?

LADY MUTO: Sounds good!! I just have a few Cirque du Soleil shows to step on on my way!

GODZILLA: Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up!!! SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS. ARE. SO. ANNOYING!!! DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE OR I WILL TOTALLY ATOMIC BREATHE ON YOU BECAUSE I HATE YOU FOR…. REASONS!!

Starts swimming to Hawaii…. derp derp derp….

MUTO: Loo loo loo I’ll just put my submarine down in this jungle… hey! Jerk!! Stop shooting at me! That stings!

Emits EMP blast, planes fall from sky

MUTO: Can I even eat a plane? I don’t know how I’d digest it since I only eat radiation but ok *chomp chomp* LOL.

GODZILLA: *swims*

MUTO: Hey what’s going on at this luao? Can I hula with you?? Are you all having a nice vacation??

GODZILLA: *emerges from ocean* What did I say? WHAT. DID. I. SAY??

MUTO: Whatever atom-breath!! More like OUT OF BREATH, amirite?? Let’s brawl!!

GODZILLA: What?? No!! I just swam halfway across the damn Pacific ocean!! *PUNCH!*

MUTO: Ahhh! *WHACK!*

Fight ensues, humans are not pleased

MUTO: Hahahahaha you are too old and fat and I have wings. Laters!! *zing!*

GODZILLA: Balls!

Begrudgingly gets back in ocean
SAN FRANCISCO
HUMANS: Ok so all of these beasties eat radiation, right? So let’s lure them out into the ocean with this tasty super missile and then totally blow them up! Since they keep knocking out our power let’s just put this missile that will lure them once it’s in the ocean and obviously not before it gets to the ocean on this old timey steam train and wait patiently for it to arrive at the ocean.
LADY MUTO: Hey a delicious missile! *yoink!*
HUMANS: …….oh.
LADY MUTO: Oh snap! My belly is aglow with adorable tiny MUTO eggs! Do you want this missile, babies?? This yummy yummy missile?? Let’s build a nest in Chinatown and then I will buy you a mogwai.
MUTO: Lady!!! I am here in San Fransisco!
GODZILLA: Holy hell, that was a long swim. Lemme just grab on to this nice red bridge to help me get out of the water…
MUTO: Hey Oldzilla!! Need to take a nap?
GODZILLA: You are such a dick!
brawl ensues
LADY MUTO: Hey MUTO! I built a nest and need you to… OH HELL NO THIS GUY?!?
punch! smash! throw! punch!
LADY MUTO: (noticing tiny humans have blown up her nest) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
GODZILLA: Hey MUTO! *tail-slams MUTO dead into a skyscraper*
GODZILLA: That’s RIGHT. *chest thrust*
LADY MUTO: *blink blink!*
GODZILLA: I’m still unclear on my hate reasons so ATOMIC BREATH MURDER AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
LADY MUTO turns to stone and dies
GODZILLA: I need a nap now LIKE WHOA. *collapses in the middle of the city*
THE NEXT DAY
HUMANS: So…. is he a good monster…….? Also is he dead? How… do…. we… uuummm… that’s a big corpse….
GODZILLA: (wakes up, flips off humans) WHO’S FAT NOW, BITCHES!! *moonwalks into ocean, does dougie, swims away*

12 Songs You Should Know

Here are some of my favorite songs so far this year. (I didn’t include Counting Stars because you certainly know it. But seriously–how great is that song?!)

As you will quickly discover, many of these songs are quite…British. BBC Radio One’s Chart Show has been a go-to  source for new music this year.

Additionally, I continue to gravitate toward electronic tunes with an R&B feel, so you’ll find a lot of these tracks on the list. (Lucky for you!)

But you will also find a couple rock tunes–and hopefully–a song or two that will become your favorites, too.

Here we go!

1. Rather Be, Clean Bandit featuring Jess Glynn

2. It Won’t Stop, Sevyn Streeter featuring Chris Brown

3.  Cavalier, James Vincent McMorrow

4. I’m Not Part of Me, Cloud Nothings

5. Into the Blue, Kylie Minogue

6. 3Jane, EMA

7. Look Away, Lo-Fang

8. Waiting Game, BANKS

9. Do It Again, Royksopp & Robyn

10. Fall in Love, Barcelona

11. Ready for Your Love, Gorgon City featuring MNEK

12. You’re Not Good Enough, Blood Orange

For my Spotify using friends:

12 Songs You Should Know